When to teach, when to tell?
Sexual exploration among pre-schoolers is normal, but some
activities cross the line
Becky Johnson, smokymountainnews.com, May 9, 2007
When a workshop on proper and improper sexual behavior in
preschoolers
premiered at a childcare conference in the region a few years ago, more
than 60 childcare workers packed the session, surprising even the
organizers.
The reason for the popularity became clear during the question and
answer session. Each teacher had a list of scenarios from their
classroom they wanted to share and were craving a setting where it was
OK to talk about them.
"They wanted to know where is it on the spectrum and what you
would do
about it", said Emma Beckner with the Kids Advocacy Resource
Effort, a
non-profit that fights child abuse in Haywood County and had organized
the workshop.
It's a conundrum childcare workers often find themselves in.
They don't
know whether to dismiss an incident as normal or be alarmed. Failing to
make the right judgment call can land a childcare center in hot water
with the state, as teachers at First United Methodist Child Development
Center in Waynesville learned two years ago.
A handful of children displayed an interest in both their own private
parts and those of others that went beyond what the state considers
normal. The state revoked the center's five-star status and put
it on
probation, not only for allowing the incidents to happen in the first
place but for failing to report them to the Department of Social
Services as a potential sign of sexual abuse.
Often, a childcare center's first inclination is to correct
the behavior
considered inappropriate since very young children don't yet know what's
right and wrong.
"The most important job is to teach children appropriate ways
to behave
and socialize", said Marsh Parris, the long-time director of First
United Methodist Child Development Center until her retirement a year
ago.
Teaching kids not to expose or touch their own private parts or those
of
others is much like laying down the rules for any other behavior. You
don't knock over another child's blocks. You wait turns
for the slide.
You don't take another child's crackers.
"Our job is to socialize", said Gerard Stamm, a child
psychologist and
instructor in the Haywood Community College child development program.
"Socializing takes time."
Until children learn what's right and wrong, behavior
considered 'inappropriate' in the adult world
"including sexual
exploration" is
bound to happen under the watch of childcare centers. While most parents
of young children have witnessed such sexual curiosities, society
registers shock and declares the behavior abnormal.
Even discussing it
is risky, Stamm said.
"We are talking about socializing sexual displays in children",
Stamm
said. "It is a loaded issue."
It wasn't until the third or fourth incident with the same
children that
childcare workers at First United Methodist realized they should be
concerned.
"We were in disagreement about whether it was normal or not
normal",
Parris said of the time. "That's another hindsight situation."
What is OK
What's normal exploration and what's not is something
childcare workers
struggle with daily. KARE's workshop on proper and improper
sexual
behavior in pre-schoolers continues to be a top draw at childcare
training conferences and is offered on demand for childcare centers that
request it.
Some might be surprised by what's considered normal, according
to the
litmus test Beckner uses. For example, children touching themselves is
very normal.
"What we tell teachers is that it is very normal for children
of that
age to touch themselves", Beckner said. "They are exploring
their bodies
and that is very typical behavior in a preschooler."
As shocking as it seems to some, preschool children do masturbate and
it doesn't always mean they've been abused or learned the
behavior from someone, according to experts interviewed for this article. That said,
children should be taught to refrain.
"Don't overreact and don't scream or yell. Tell
them 'We don't touch
ourselves in front of people. Those are our private parts and we keep
those private'", Beckner said.
Children wanting to see an other's private parts is also
normal. Even
children touching each other's privates, if purely exploratory in
nature, can be normal.
"They are just starting to notice boys and girls are different",
Beckner
said. "They might be noticing that girls and boys go potty
different. It
is just curiosity."
Children can be equally intrigued with private parts of others of the
same sex, said Catherine Laveck, an instructor at Western Carolina
University in the Birth through Kindergarten childcare program
"Preschool age boys showing each other their parts is typical,
even if
an adult is in the restroom with them", Laveck said. "The
adult's roll
is to redirect them, to say 'Remember those are each other's
private
parts and we keep those private.'"
Stamm agreed.
"You give rules to kids. You have to explain that you don't
do this to
someone else's body and tell the other person you don't
let someone do
this to your body", Stamm said. "It's like telling
the child you don't
go out in the street."
What's not OK
Other incidents that occurred between children at First United
Methodist
child care center fall in the 'troubling' category, however,
according
to experts.
In one case, a preschool-aged girl and boy got undressed
during naptime and lay on a cot facing each other, one touching the
other's private parts.
"That would be a concerning thing", Beckner said. "That
was a
thought-out process to get to that point. Typically children at that age
would not know that two people come together naked closely. That looks
like adult sexual behavior."
Another incident that crossed the line: a preschool-aged child
inserted
an ink pen into the bottom of another child.
"That's a red flag", Beckner said. "Kids don't
typically know to insert
something into a body part."
Potentially, there could be an explanation for both incidents.
Perhaps
the child accidentally saw a sex scene on television, or saw their
mother take the temperature of a baby sibling with a rectal thermometer.
It's hard to take an incident in isolation and determine
whether it
falls in the red flag category without having witnessed it yourself or
knowing whether the child was prone to other sexual behaviors as well.
"There are some very innocent circumstances, or it could have
been
something nefarious where a child has witnessed something similar in
their own homes with adults and they are replaying it", Laveck
said.
A third instance that occurred at First Unite Methodist Child
Development Center also seems to falls in that category. One
preschool-aged boy followed another into the bathroom. The two boys
showed each other their private parts, and then one boy allegedly kissed
the other's penis, according to one boy's account to his
parents.
"That is an instance you would wonder about", Beckner
said. "Most kids
don't go there in their thought process."
Laveck agreed the incident crosses into the 'cause for concern'
category.
A forth incident that happened on the playground troubles
Laveck for the same reasons. A preschool-aged boy pulled down another's
pants and allegedly kissed the boy's bottom. Looking is normal,
but
kissing private parts is unusual, Laveck said.
These four incidents have one thing in common: they mimic adult
sexual
behavior. That's the rule of thumb Beckner teaches in her class.
"If you can recognize it as a sexual act or sexual behavior it
probably is", Beckner said. "Preschoolers will model what they see or
hear. Our
main concern is where did this child learn this?"
When to report
First United Methodist Child Development Center was cited by the
state
for failing to report troubling behavior to DSS as a potential sign of
child abuse. In those instances "namely the pen incident, cot
incident
and excessive personal touching by one student" the children's
behavior
could have been a sign of child abuse and should have been reported.
"All those incidents should be a red flag that something was
happening
to that child", said June Locklear with the state Division of
Child
Development. "They should have been reporting that information."
Beckner agrees.
"The first place everybody goes is, did something happen to
this child", Beckner said. "You would want to know: did they see it, did they
hear
about it, did they have it happen to them?"
"If it concerns you or if it gives you that funny tummy
feeling, even if
you don't know if it's a report, we advise people to call
DSS anyway", Beckner said. "You want to be more safe than sorry. Even if it is
just a
little bit over the line, it could still be concerning."
Laveck agreed as well.
"The childcare worker doesn't need to validate it or
substantiate it,
but they do need to call DSS and report the suspected abuse", Laveck said.
Of course, there are side effects to reporting every little incident.
For starters, the child gets interviewed by a social worker. That can be
traumatic, no matter how skilled the social worker is.
Childcare workers have to use their own judgment. If two children are
caught in the bathroom showing each other their private parts, it does
not necessarily trigger a call to DSS, Laveck said.
"You can say 'Hey buddy, pull your pants up and get out
there and play'.
That you might not report to anybody and you just say 'Man he was experimenting'", Laveck said.
Laveck calls it 'redirecting', as in redirecting the child's attention
to more appropriate behavior. If the sexual behavior continues to occur,
however, it could be a red flag of something going on in the child's
life, Laveck said.
The same child at First United Methodist was involved in several of
the
incidents cited by the state. The same child frequently touched herself,
colored her private areas with a magic marker on two different occasions
"both of which got the center cited for failure of supervision" and
was involved in both the cot and pen incidents.
When one of the childcare workers asked the child about her behavior,
the child said she had learned it from her older sibling. The childcare
worker expressed concern to the parent over the child's sexual
behavior.
A resolution was not reached, however. The center was cited for failing
to report the child's excessive interest in masturbation "and her claim
that it came from an older sibling as suspected child abuse to DSS.
"You have to do more than try to explain it away when it
continues to
occur and comes out in different ways", Locklear said.
Not so good side effect
The childcare center had an easy option at its disposal.
"The church could have taken a very different approach and said
'We
could get rid of the problem by getting rid of the child'"
Locklear
said. "The center didn't go that route, however, and that's
admirable of them", Locklear said.
"All you do is pass the problem along to another facility",
Locklear said.
Unfortunately, childcare centers are increasingly doing just that,
said
Stamm, the HCC childcare instructor. Childcare centers are scared of
state regulations "and of bad media publicity" and take
the easy way out.
"If it is on hazy ground, they would rather expel the child",
Stamm said.
The publicity over First United Methodist could prompt childcare
centers
to be even more quick to expel, said Sharon Davis, also a childcare
instructor at HCC.
Marsh Parris, director at First United Methodist Child Development
Center during the 2005 incidents, said she would have dismissed the
children involved if she could do it over again.
"If I knew then what I know now, I would have done that",
Parris said.
Childcare centers don't want their entire program jeopardized
by the
behavior of a couple of children. Today, some centers have zero
tolerance for biting, a common developmental behavior for some
children
in the under-2 age bracket, Davis said.
Stamm's own daughter was a biting terror until she was
socialized
otherwise. It worked, Stamm said. She's now 29 and hasn't
bitten anyone
in years. But during the thick of her biting phase, her childcare center
had its work cut out.
"What is incumbent on the giver of the childcare service is
watching
this kid and being right on top of this kid and preventing him from
biting until the kid is socialized", Stamm said. "But when
it is
happening, all hell breaks lose."
Lack of supervision?
The main citation faced by First United Methodist Child Development
Center was lack of supervision, or neglect. Several of the incidents
went unnoticed by a teacher at all, such as the child that colored her
private parts with a magic marker or the boy pulling down another boy's
pants on the playground. Others weren't noticed by the teacher
until it
was too late, like the cot incident and pen incident.
Some of the incidents occurred in a just a few seconds, while others
obviously went on for at least a couple of minutes before the teacher
noticed. What constitutes lack of supervision is yet another area of
gray for childcare workers.
"The way the rule is written is that children must be visually
supervised at all times", said Locklear. "We know that is
not possible.
The only way to do that is have the children in a straight line in front
of you and you always walking backwards. The intent of the rule is that
the staff should be aware enough about the location of children."
Take the incident where one boy went into the bathroom behind
another,
and the two showed and touched private parts. When interviewed by the
state, the teacher said she didn't realize the second boy had
followed
the other into the bathroom. Locklear sees two problems here:
According to state law, a childcare worker is responsible for
anything
that happens to a child in his or her care, said Davis, the HCC
instructor. However, the center isn't charged with lack of
supervision
every time a teacher fails to stop a child from doing something they
shouldn't.
Locklear said the state recognizes there are "some natural
tendencies"
in children. The difference with First United is that incidents kept
recurring among the same few children. Those particular kids should have
been watched more closely, Locklear said.
"You can identify children that may have a propensity to engage
in
sexual behavior that is crossing the line", Locklear said.
"If
you know
that the child did it once, what do you put in place to ensure it
doesn't happen again? If the teacher deals with it directly and
effectively then it usually isn't something that is repeated."
In this case, however, incidents were repeating.
The standards for childcare centers are certainly higher than what
parents are held to.
"Something that is acceptable in the child's own home is
not acceptable
in a child care setting", Locklear said. "My child can fall
down and
break their leg at home and it is not a failure to supervise the child."
Two of the incidents that got First Methodist in trouble occurred
inside
a playhouse inside the classroom. The playhouse was later removed from
the classroom. Laveck said a playhouse is not intrinsically a bad thing
in a childcare setting.
"Some programs have playhouses in classrooms and on playgrounds
and it
isn't a issue", Laveck said. "The next crop of
children you could put
the playhouse back in there and it could never be used for nefarious
purposes again."
Locklear said opening up the line of sight in a room is always
preferable.
"We're not saying that having a fort in a room is a bad
thing, but if
you know you do not have direct line of supervision then you should
always be able to place yourself in and around the area children use",
Locklear said.
Other incidents occurred under the slide on the playground, out of
sight
in the bathroom or behind a bookcase in the classroom. First United
Methodist ultimately took numerous measures to improve teachers'
line of
sight. Concave mirrors were installed in classrooms and on the
playground, and bookshelves were given Plexiglas backs so teachers could
see through them.
Another incident "one involving a child touching another's
bottom" happened while the teacher was putting up cots after naptime and was
distracted. The state cited the teacher for "leaving the room".
Actually, the cots were stored just outside the door, but it did cause
the teacher to turn her back for a few seconds. It wasn't much
different
than if the cots were stored in a closet, but those few seconds were
deemed a lack of supervision.
There's no easy litmus test for deciding whether lack of
supervision
occurred, Davis said.
"That is going to be something the state is charged with
deciding",
Davis said. When judging, Davis suggested putting yourself in the
childcare worker's shoes.
"If you were in that situation, how would you judge yourself?
Was it
your fault that it happened?", asked Davis.
Making the decisions that faced a couple of the teachers at First
United
Methodist carries a huge responsibility that often seems out of
proportion to the low salary of childcare workers. An entry-level
childcare worker can make half what a public school teacher makes.
"It is not a lucrative job to go into", Stamm said.
The low pay and high risk for liability make it a tough industry in
which to attract quality workers.
"There is nothing to say for going into childcare other than a
love for
children and wanting to teach children", Parris said. "From
a practical
standpoint there is no reason anyone would want to go into childcare."