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1. Both the adult and child (or
teenager) want to have a relationship with each other and experience
the relationship as positive. The minor should be able to withdraw
from the relationship at any moment.
The adult should also make it clear that any sexual contact should
be intrinsically desired by the minor, rather than being just a
favor to the adult. [...]
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2. In case of erotic contact, there
must not be any form of physical harm or unwanted pregnancy.
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3. Personal boundaries of minors ought
to be respected and any possible erotic contact must be completely
consensual.
In case of doubt about the child's wishes (e.g., because these have
not been clearly expressed yet), the adult should simply refrain
from any erotic contact.
The initiative for such contact should generally lie with the child
or teenager. This
ensures that any possible erotic contact will be based on the
child's own wishes and over-all personality.
Of course, there should not be any signs of manipulation or
brainwashing by the adult.
Consensual 'pedophile' erotic contact is by definition based upon
the consensual erotic activities that minors typically practice with
themselves or other minors. Especially in relationships with young
children, normally there will be no penetration, but only kissing,
caressing, petting, mutual manual stimulation, shared masturbation,
or oral stimulation, with only rare exceptions.
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4. The adult must be honest about the
nature and extent of his or her feelings and affection for the child
or teenager. The minor should be made generally aware of what
he or she can expect from the adult and from the relationship to
prevent painful disappointments and feelings of being betrayed by
the adult. The adult should analyse the nature of the feelings
of the minor and find out whether they match his or her own wishes
and intentions.
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5. The adult must in general respect
the child's personality, activities, and wishes, and the minor's
personal, social or relational freedom should not in any way be
limited by the adult.
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6. In case the child or teenager has a
relatively good relationship with his or her parents or care-takers,
they ought to be fully informed about the
relationship. Important parental decisions about the
relationship should be respected. The adult should also make
sure that the relationship does not negatively affect the emotional
bond between the child and the parents.
More generally, important boundaries set by societal, religious, and
cultural taboos, and the law should not be crossed, as long as this
might create a scandal or negatively affect the child's
self-perception or perception of the relationship.
In general, any adult who feels attracted to a minor should realize
that it may take quite some time (perhaps decades) to change the
dominant perception of voluntary and harmless relationships, and
always act accordingly.
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7. The adult should not spoil the child
too much but rather support a positive development of his or her
self-esteem and self-control, personal talents and potential, social
skills, and a moral, pro-social attitude. Sexuality should not
replace other emotional or relational needs and the frequency of
erotic contacts should be moderate to avoid so-called sexual
addiction.
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8. The adult should make the minor
aware of the existence of real child abuse and warn him or her of
non-consensual sex.
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9. Not only should relationships be
accepted by (benevolent) care-takers and relatives of the minor, but
children should also be protected against avoidable negative
reactions of bullies and narrow-minded neighbors. This implies a
basic level of discretion about the relationship, although such
discretion ought not to lead to 'secrets' towards other adults with
whom the minor has a close emotional bond.
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10. Relationships should never be ended
abruptly and the adult should always try to stay in touch as long as
the minor needs this.
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[... ... ...]
In general, affectionate erotic relationships deserve to be continued
platonically after the erotic part would have ended.
Only relationships that meet these criteria
deserve one's respect and protection.
A role for the parents or
care-takers
Ideally, the parents or care-takers have an
important role to play during a close intergenerational relationship of
their child.
By communicating with their child, they
could regularly check (in a relaxed, non-directive way) whether the
relationship and its possible erotic aspects really match the child's
wishes and expectations and whether the adult adequately respects the
child's boundaries.
[...]
More in general, they could also explore
the adult's personality and integrity and make sure he or she has no
(relevant) criminal record or reputation as a rapist.
Thus, their awareness of criteria for
positive and safe relationships will certainly not lead to an increase
of real abuse, but rather prevent potential adult partners who have good
intentions but unfortunately lack basic empathic skills from endangering
the minor's well-being.
Furthermore, decriminalization of positive
relationships will generally lead to more openness between parents or
care-takers and minors about such relationships, but also about sexual
abuse, and this, in turn, will be discouraging to real child-molesters
and dangerous psychopaths.
To ensure the child's safety, it could be a
good idea, in case of doubts about the adult's intentions, to allow any
possible erotic activity only after a period of months of exclusively
platonic contact.
This may also be important because it
familiarizes the minor with what can be expected from the adult and
prevents unrealistic dreams about the relationship.
[... ...]
From a moral standpoint, this inevitably
means ...
... that, for the time being, it is, in
general, not a good idea (for an adult) to engage in consensual
'pedophile' relationships with minors.
Many - or even most - consensual relationships will inevitably end up
being re-interpreted as abuse, which may have damaging psychological
consequences for the (former) child or teenager, in terms of confusion
and guilt.
[... ... ... ...]
Only from a conservative,
closed-minded outlook on life and human values may it seem obvious that
some phenomena which are consensual and psychologically harmless should
still continue to be regarded as immoral. Starting from any other
approach, personal experiences are obviously more important than
prejudices and caricatures.
