Important ethical criteria

Quoted from
"Positive Memories [*]; Cases of positive memories of erotic and platonic relationships and contacts of children with adults, as seen from the perspective of the former minor, 2011; Ipce Publications.

< https://www.ipce.info/booksreborn/index.htm >.
Scroll below to the "P": Positive memories.

Important ethical criteria

	1. Both the adult and child (or teenager) want to have a relationship with each other and experience the relationship as positive. The minor should be able to withdraw from the relationship at any moment. The adult should also make it clear that any sexual contact should be intrinsically desired by the minor, rather than being just a favor to the adult. [...]
	2. In case of erotic contact, there must not be any form of physical harm or unwanted pregnancy.
	3. Personal boundaries of minors ought to be respected and any possible erotic contact must be completely consensual. In case of doubt about the child's wishes (e.g., because these have not been clearly expressed yet), the adult should simply refrain from any erotic contact. The initiative for such contact should generally lie with the child or teenager. This ensures that any possible erotic contact will be based on the child's own wishes and over-all personality. Of course, there should not be any signs of manipulation or brainwashing by the adult. Consensual 'pedophile' erotic contact is by definition based upon the consensual erotic activities that minors typically practice with themselves or other minors. Especially in relationships with young children, normally there will be no penetration, but only kissing, caressing, petting, mutual manual stimulation, shared masturbation, or oral stimulation, with only rare exceptions.
	4. The adult must be honest about the nature and extent of his or her feelings and affection for the child or teenager. The minor should be made generally aware of what he or she can expect from the adult and from the relationship to prevent painful disappointments and feelings of being betrayed by the adult. The adult should analyse the nature of the feelings of the minor and find out whether they match his or her own wishes and intentions.
	5. The adult must in general respect the child's personality, activities, and wishes, and the minor's personal, social or relational freedom should not in any way be limited by the adult.
	6. In case the child or teenager has a relatively good relationship with his or her parents or care-takers, they ought to be fully informed about the relationship. Important parental decisions about the relationship should be respected. The adult should also make sure that the relationship does not negatively affect the emotional bond between the child and the parents. More generally, important boundaries set by societal, religious, and cultural taboos, and the law should not be crossed, as long as this might create a scandal or negatively affect the child's self-perception or perception of the relationship. In general, any adult who feels attracted to a minor should realize that it may take quite some time (perhaps decades) to change the dominant perception of voluntary and harmless relationships, and always act accordingly.
	7. The adult should not spoil the child too much but rather support a positive development of his or her self-esteem and self-control, personal talents and potential, social skills, and a moral, pro-social attitude. Sexuality should not replace other emotional or relational needs and the frequency of erotic contacts should be moderate to avoid so-called sexual addiction.
	8. The adult should make the minor aware of the existence of real child abuse and warn him or her of non-consensual sex.
	9. Not only should relationships be accepted by (benevolent) care-takers and relatives of the minor, but children should also be protected against avoidable negative reactions of bullies and narrow-minded neighbors. This implies a basic level of discretion about the relationship, although such discretion ought not to lead to 'secrets' towards other adults with whom the minor has a close emotional bond.
	10. Relationships should never be ended abruptly and the adult should always try to stay in touch as long as the minor needs this.

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In general, affectionate erotic relationships deserve to be continued platonically after the erotic part would have ended.

Only relationships that meet these criteria deserve one's respect and protection.

A role for the parents or care-takers

Ideally, the parents or care-takers have an important role to play during a close intergenerational relationship of their child.

By communicating with their child, they could regularly check (in a relaxed, non-directive way) whether the relationship and its possible erotic aspects really match the child's wishes and expectations and whether the adult adequately respects the child's boundaries.

[...]

More in general, they could also explore the adult's personality and integrity and make sure he or she has no (relevant) criminal record or reputation as a rapist.

Thus, their awareness of criteria for positive and safe relationships will certainly not lead to an increase of real abuse, but rather prevent potential adult partners who have good intentions but unfortunately lack basic empathic skills from endangering the minor's well-being.

Furthermore, decriminalization of positive relationships will generally lead to more openness between parents or care-takers and minors about such relationships, but also about sexual abuse, and this, in turn, will be discouraging to real child-molesters and dangerous psychopaths.

To ensure the child's safety, it could be a good idea, in case of doubts about the adult's intentions, to allow any possible erotic activity only after a period of months of exclusively platonic contact.

This may also be important because it familiarizes the minor with what can be expected from the adult and prevents unrealistic dreams about the relationship.

[... ...]

From a moral standpoint, this inevitably means ...

... that, for the time being, it is, in general, not a good idea (for an adult) to engage in consensual 'pedophile' relationships with minors.

Many - or even most - consensual relationships will inevitably end up being re-interpreted as abuse, which may have damaging psychological consequences for the (former) child or teenager, in terms of confusion and guilt.

[... ... ... ...]

Only from a conservative, closed-minded outlook on life and human values may it seem obvious that some phenomena which are consensual and psychologically harmless should still continue to be regarded as immoral. Starting from any other approach, personal experiences are obviously more important than prejudices and caricatures.